Rapper Kanye West has cancelled all remaining dates on his Saint Pablo tour citing that he feels that he needs to spend more time with his ego. He has said that tickets would not be refunded because people still get to keep the ticket and any ticket with the name ‘Kanye West’ on it is worth millions. “They can make the ticket money back on Ebay”
Rumour has it that since his wife Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint Kayne has been seriously worried that the same could happen to his ego and despite trebling security his ego still managed to get hurt after the Grammys were ‘rigged”. The ego is expected to make a full recovery.
The Saint Pablo tour, which includes West performing above the stage on an innovative “floating” platform, was scheduled for a further 21 dates before the end of 2016. He claimed on stage that “A crazy person can’t do all this” he said “A crazy person can’t make this floating stage” A stage technician who did not wish to be named explained “We have tried telling him how we make the stage floats but he thinks he is doing it with his mind”
West, who last week accused himself of voting for Donald Trump, will now take a break from music and his 6234 other business ventures to be with and stoke his ego.
Donald Trump announced today that to make America great again he would be recalling everything American from around the world. In his speech President Trump said “America has always been a country of giving, we have giving the Middle East democracy, Vietnam freedom and the world God but now it is time to take it all back, oh and bricks, we need lots and lots of bricks”
War ships will be sent to Europe to gather up everything Disney, other than Pocahontas. A ban has been placed on Hamburgers and hot dogs being sold outside of American territories and a peanut butter and cheese in a can armistice will last the month. The UN have called an emergency meeting to try and find out what cheese in a can is.
British Prime Minister Theresa May said ‘We have a special relationship with America, Mr Trump even follows me on Twitter. Out of respect we have agreed to remove the 4th of July from our calendars as it belongs to the American people’ She added ‘We will also be renaming soccer ‘not American Football’
A list of things that should be returned to America are The Coca-Cola truck (Xmas is cancelled), Brad Pitt, Americanos, Guns, Michael Jackson merchandise (later years only), suing people, Bin Laden family members, Eagles, the bird and the band (Although Bald Eagles now have to wear wigs) and Gerard Butler (as part of a deal to keep Bradly Cooper).
This was my first review in Edinburgh and to be honest at the time I was a little annoyed. I never like any review the first time I read it but this one has grown on me, if for no other reason then reading it feels like a GCSE English test. I will get to the words in a moment, first the reviewer. You may have noticed in previous reviews I've not mentioned the person just the publication and that's because I don't wish to make it personal but I have to touch on this one. My show only had about ten people in because 'Insert Edinburgh excuse here'. A friend who was in said to me after the show ‘That bloke on the second row was annoying’ that was our reviewer.
I'm a great believer that reviewers should blend in and be like David Attenborough, studying not disturbing. At one point during the show my reviewer rolled a cigarette (so im told), Never did I see a lion trying to bring down an antelope only to be slightly put off by Attenborough leaning up against a tree rolling a fat one (Maybe the BBC edit those bits) I also never saw David noisily putting his coat on rather than watching the last kill of the day but hey ho, maybe he had another show to rush to.
Lets us get on with the review.
Watching Luke Graves at work is rather akin to listening to one of the Icelandic Sagas of old, Egil’s Saga perhaps, when the life-long adventures of an epic hero are recited in a cheiftain’s hall. On this occasion we found ourselves instead in a modern-day luxurious hotel, & of course our bard has a microphone in hand as he delves into his own life to give us Luke’s annual account of his adventures.
What is an Icelandic saga? I had no idea, very rarely do you have to start Googling things during the review.
In 2016 we are witness to his recent engagement to Lauren – next year, he tells us, will be the wedding chapter of his saga, followed by the baby year & in 2019 his dressing up as Superman for parental rights.
Spoiler Alert - That is one of the shows jokes it should not be in the review (he has put the joke in his own words).
Fact Alert - Lauren was happy by being name checked.
Luke oozes a peace-cruising demeanour as he delivers his material in a cute & poignant manner. His audience is very much with him, an intimate connection that finds many comedians’ egos difficult to circumvent. But the cheeky chappie in Luke is only a witty aside away as he thinks on his feet throughout his laid-back, friendly show. Perhaps Luke is a little too laid-back at times, but I guess he’s just a nice fella & that’s his way. He’s a bit like a wolf-pup – adorable with the occasional risque snarl. Indeed, just as one stares inanely at a lovely puppy, so I found myself at times simply gazing at Luke as he sported through his perfectly formed set.
I did not realise that i ‘sported’ anything but i like it. I think this is one of the most creative reviews i've read, which gives me some nice quotes to use but it also makes me feel a bit dim.
So… I guess its a matter of how does one like one’s comedy. ‘I’m really cool with any of this,’ said one of the audience tonight, & I have to agree. Its good to see a comedian with a genuine smile & if its at a nice, steady pace when you feel fluffy & ready for humour, then Luke is definitely your guy.
...and their you go, i’m not sure i have much to add. It seems a nice review and i don’t know if its the performer in me but it does not feel like he enjoyed it. Over all it felt to me like a man that had to be there, had to write something but best £35 for advertising I ever spent.
My beautiful little one
Having been a way for a month in Edinburgh, I really missed this little girl.
So we had a little photo shoot.
Check out Squig on Instagram under... #LadySquig
I also made a new friend in the garden.
Before we start can I just thank people for their messages. Let me assure you that I would be in the wrong line of work if I worried about what people write about me. I reviewed 'The List' and 'Fringe Biscuit' first because neither of them were proper reviews but these last few have at least reviewed the show, which is nice.
I'm working on my next project and I had to look through the reviews for usable quotes and I've found loads, although I still will try and use more from audience members if I can.
But before future stuff let us live in the past this is my Chortle review. For those who don't know this is the main comedy website, I knew before they came that they would not be too keen, although I did secretly hope I could win them over. The biggest shame about this review is how it opens and closes.
Read the original 'review' without my interruptions by clicking on this sentence
In black is Chortles review word for word. In red my comments
Luke Graves makes makes much of the fact that he offers a money-back guarantee if you don’t enjoy his show – an arrangement that’s simply a far more bureaucratically cumbersome version of everything on the free festival.
What a terrible opening. I ‘make much of the fact’ of it because it’s a marketing tool, it seems a little silly to keep it a secret. Also what a shame Chortle misunderstand the Edinburgh festival, ‘far more bureaucratically cumbersome version of free festival’. I invested in a professional venue and my audience paid up to £8 for a ticket on the understanding if they didn’t enjoy the show they can get their money back. This is not the same as being able to walk into a free show and choose if you want to donate. Although I understand how someone could relate the two, they are very different.
It’s a fair bet that no one will every ask for that refund, for he is indeed immensely likeable – and also rather bland. How can you possibly dislike anything so tame and well-intentioned?
Likeable is what i'm going for :) Bland less so but I have to agree in the sense I'm not exactly putting the world to rights. I was told by someone this year ‘Your show is like having a conversation with your best friend, if your best friend is really funny’.
Living Luke is the state-of-his-life show. He’s about to get married, so tells us about the proposal and the wedding arrangements, then ponders whether he should have kids, whom he says he dislikes, but without expressing real conviction. That’s pretty much the depth of it: throw in some stories about online dating, vegetarianism or Fathers 4 Justice for padding and job’s an good ‘un
‘State-of-his-life show’ I like that, that is now added to the description of my show. I don’t express any real conviction about disliking kids because I don’t have any, which is why I end up talking about my love for my hamster and that I will have children. That said that has come up a couple of times so maybe im not expressing myself properly.
FACT ALERT - I have no stories about Fathers 4 Justice. (one punchline not a story make)
There are some nice anecdotes about the stag do in Ayia Napa, thanks mainly to his mate with the missing toe, having some fun with his mildest of disabilities. But ‘nice’ is about the most enthusiastic adjective you would attach to Graves.
FACT ALERT - The Stag do is not in Ayia Napa.
Stop one moment. This same reviewer once said of me...
"there was no lack of jokes, as he proves himself a more-than useful writer. Although his nine-toed mate probably deserves a co-writing credit, since many of the best lines come attributed to him."
I need to point out something, I don’t have a friend with a missing toe, in fact I don’t even have a friend that got married in Ayia Napa. It is all made up, I make stuff up.
Any way where was I...
He comes across as one of the good guys: affable, cheery and easy communicator who engages in charming and welcoming to-and-fro with the audience, teasing every so gently. A career in local BBC radio might suit him.
If anyone from local BBC radio is reading, yes I would (I have a wedding to pay for)
The central story is about him birthing a lamb, ending on a gentle pun, and again showing what a nice bloke he is. The hour is so effortlessly genial, but as mild as unflavoured yoghurt. Raised by a single parent he notes: ‘My dad was a superhero - the invisible man’; or he tells of a type of bee where the male dies after sex. ‘A lot of ladies think that’s a good idea!’ That’s about as hard-hitting as he gets.
FACT ALERT - I was not raised by a single parent.
SPOILER ALERT - 'Invisible man' is one of my jokes (Reviewers should not print jokes)
This I don't understand 'about him birthing a lamb, ending on a gentle pun'. The gentle pun is a throw away line in the middle of the routine and I joke about it being a bit shit. So has this reviewer mis-remembered or have they decided to make it sound like I wrote a whole routine with a crap pun at the end because they want to put a negative spin on it?
Incidentally, I was also intrigued by the quote on his poster, blown up into an on-stage banner: ‘A brilliant young comic bursting with potential,’ said Arthur Smith. Young? He’s in his 30s. This couldn’t be the way Smith brought him on stage for the Hackney Empire New Act final in 2010 could it? Most ancient and disingenuous marketing if so…
I love this. This reviewer really cares about marketing. Where do I start.
FACT ALERT - Arthur Smith couldn't pick me out of a line up of just me, but he did say that he enjoyed my set once and I asked for a quote.
Quotes I may use next year from this review...
“Immensely likeable” - Chortle
“Charming and welcoming” - Chortle
“Hard-hitting” - Chortle
“‘A brilliant young comic bursting with potential,’” - Chortle
It’s slightly hard to review my Fringe Biscuit review due to it just being a tweet. I should really have researched them before offering a free ticket again. (not that I didn’t have space)
My favourite thing about this review is that the young girl who came along sat front row, dead centre. I think she was the only person who sat on the front row.
This was her review.
Living Luke. @LukeGraves_ talks commitment, love & life in this laid-back, relatable & brutally honest stand up act. Couples buckle up! ⅗
My review of the Fringe Biscuit review.
This was the correct date.
Correct show title
Correct Twitter handle (Although a little weird to tweet the review at the performer)
talks commitment, love & life
in this laid-back,
I hope so
& brutally honest stand up act.
I’m not sure I’d say ‘Brutally honest’ but I know how much is made up.
Couples buckle up!
I don’t get why, I think because I talk to them.
I would say 4/5 but we all think our babies are better looking then they are.
Quotes I may use next year...
"Stand Up Act" - Fringe Biscuit
I was looking forward to this review, I honestly thought that it would be my first 'proper' review. Like it or hate it, at least it would be professional... or so I thought.
Read the original 'review' without my interruptions by clicking on this sentence
In white is The List's review word for word. In red my comments
The videos are from the show being reviewed (although not the actual show)
(sorry about the bad quality I was filming for me not for public use)
'Yet another comedian who has a negative attitude towards children'
(don't adults know that they used to be one?)
Yes I do, and? I don’t get it, is no-one allowed to ever have a negative attitude towards children if they ever were one? Or is this an attempted joke?
Luke Graves is launching into a proposed Fringe four-parter. This one is his engagement show, followed by the wedding set, 2018 marks the baby year (oh, so he wants one after all?) while the year after is the punchline to this whole set-up, so we'll leave that to your imagination.
Spending a lot of time (and that is a very long time) chit-chatting to his audience, Graves finally gets round to doing some material, a large proportion of which is a little limp as he recalls a stag do with added fish-foot spa, wondering what a TripAdvisor page for online dating would look like, and pondering over the real indicator of the state of a live-in relationship: it's how skimmed the milk is in the fridge apparently.
A perfectly personable stand-up (he's the Hastings Comedian of the Year just so you know),
FACT ALERT - I never mention that in the show.
The List have now decided half way through to start reviewing my flyer and seem to have taken offence that I am using a competition that I won to sell myself.
Graves would have a decent show on his hands if he simply cut out the crowd work and focused on the material. The video footage to close the show adds precious little to what's come before and leaves a puzzled air hanging as the audience troops out.
Quotes I may use next year from this review...
“Hastings Comedian of the Year” - The List
“Decent show” - The List
If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it does it make a sound?
What if that tree did not fall? But instead the tree pulled up its roots, started performing stand up comedy, spent seven years getting good at it and then took a show to Edinburgh to stand in a room alone?
We are only a week into the Edinburgh festival and (I'm told) it's too early to panic but the people of Edinburgh seem to have forgotten to turn up to my gig. I mean a few have turned up each day, they sit there before the show looking a little embarrassed, I assume for the others that have not turned up. I perform, they enjoy the show (I think) and then they say ‘You should have more people watching’ and I say ‘Oh, I didn’t think of that’ we laugh, they leave, I cry.
My first show of the run no one turned up, I said at the time ‘Oh well, better no one turns up than 60 people turn up and hate me’ I was wrong. To be hated is to know that I am doing it wrong. To be liked by a handful is the most frustrating thing ever. It feels at the moment like I have a decent race horse with a dodgy leg and i’m waiting for someone to erect a temporary screen and put the show out of its misery.
Of course I’m not going to allow this to happen. A couple of days ago with only a few people in the show I gave a some free tickets away to unsuspecting people. One nice young couple watched the show for free and then after the show went to the box office and insisted on paying. They even turned down the 2 for 1 offer that was on that day and paid full price.
Unless they read this, I don’t think that couple will ever know what an amazing boost that was for someone who was struggling. I love performing my show, even to eight people but I have put a lot of time effort and money into Edinburgh and I would really love to tip the balance to perform to more people than empty seats. (For this to happen I would need 31 people in my show or less and I start removing seats before the show.) Currently my best promotion is ‘If you suffer from claustrophobia this is the show for you’
Inspired by the lovely couple and driven by my need to out number the empty chairs I have decided to give for the rest of my Edinburgh run a ‘Money Back Guarantee’. Come and see the show and if you don’t like it then I will personally give you your money back.
This could be the worst decision I’ve ever made, after a bad show handing 60 people there money will be time consuming and soul destroying but it will teach me a lesson.
So for the rest of my Edinburgh run I am offering ‘risk free comedy’ and a complete money back guarantee on all ‘Living Luke’ shows. This makes no difference if no-one knows about it so if you like me, love me or hate me please share this or messages about it.
Getting off the train at Edinburgh Waverley is when the Edinburgh festival starts for me. It’s my favourite train station in the world for the simple reason it's always my gateway to the Edinburgh festival. The first thing that hits me when I get off the train is the smell of potatoes (others have said popcorn). The second thing that hits me is that i'm unfit, everywhere in Edinburgh is up hill. There are so many hills and levels to Edinburgh, It’s the only city I’ve ever been to where maps can confuse you more than help.
Like a child at Christmas my first stop after dropping off my suitcase is always straight to my venue to see my new room and find my flyers. I get a little too excited at seeing my promotional material I think sometimes I feel more like a proper comedian seeing my flyer than I do performing but this year I may have gone too far. I have so many pictures of my face, SO MANY…
Let's count. I have 10,000 main flyers. 2,000 secondary flyers, 1000 aftercare postcards, 500 stickers, 2 (huge) roller banners, 4 (big) Foam Posters, 100 A3 posters, 6 paid for posters and the cherry on the ego four jackets for the fliers, yep thats right this year the ego has landed and I am branding other human beings with my face.
So the quick count is 13,616 pictures of my face. Although there are more little pictures on the main flyer so that number could add another 100,000. (I have a big foam poster looking at me as I write this, I might have to turn it around).
Edinburgh is different this year because it's my first proper hour. Previously I've been messing around practising but this year that practice has made perfect (hmm… maybe) Meaning that this year my show's not free. It's only £8 and very much worth it if you like comedy, if you prefer dark and depressing theatre I would give me a miss. That said I also have a password which allows people to get 2 for 1 tickets so you'd be bloody stupid to pay full price if you're reading this. (password at end)
This year I'm with Sweet Venues in the Grassmarket, I've heard of Sweet Venues before but I've never been to them and I think that has been my loss. I don’t think they people running the venue could be any nicer, the venue looks great, everyone working there is lovely. It's a long festival and like the city full of ups and downs and having good people around you is important. I've always done Free fringe/festival and it's good but you only really deal with the act before you who is either happy or sad and counting money and the act after you who is busy. Turning up to my venue and being greeted by smiling faces is much nicer.
First show today, I would be sat here wondering how it is going to go but in all honesty I am writing this after the fact and I know exactly how it went.
If you want to come and see the show
buy 2 for 1 tickets at the Sweet Box office using the pass word...
I first performed at the Edinburgh Festival in 2009, which was also my first year trying comedy. At the time I was gigging for 5-10 minutes two or three times a week in London but at the festival I performed the same 15-20 minutes of material twice a day. A couple of weeks experience back in the real world every day for a month. Realising that Edinburgh is a terrorist training camp for comedians I’ve come back every year since.
Another mistake was thinking in my second and third years that I had something to offer agents and reviewers. 'Come and see me and a friend do 20 minutes on the free fringe, not those professional comedians doing hour shows' - why are they not coming?
Year 4 I decided to do my first solo ‘work in progress’ show, 40 minutes called ‘A degree of comedy’. I remember at the time thinking that the show went well, but it still hurts a little the amount of jokes from that show that are nowhere near my set now.
From year 3 on wards other comics started asking 'When are you going to do you first hour?’ 'Year 4, you should be doing an hour?' 'Year 5 you should be doing an hour?' 6 etc. etc.
I’ve even been told by a couple of comics that doing a work in progress 40 minute show is cheating. CHEATING??
‘Eric Clapton how did you become really good at playing the guitar?’
‘I’m afraid I cheated by practicing a lot’
My ‘work in progress’ shows were good value (free) but they showed me that I wasn't ready. The jump from doing 20 minutes in a comedy club to an hour show was too much, I needed the bridge of a 40 minute show (the same reason that this is not the first draft of this blog). Even last year when I thought I was ready but decided to only do half the Edinburgh run and waste the second half on holiday proposing to my girlfriend, I wasn't ready (for an hour show not marriage).
I look at my Edinburgh years as school years, why did I not do my Edinburgh hour on year three or four? Same reason I didn’t take my degree after only three years of school, because even though i probably would’ve still passed (it was creative writing, a broken fountain pen could have passed), it wouldn’t be to the standard that I wanted to pass at.
I’m re-reading the above blog on the train to Edinburgh (told you there would be a second draft) and I’ve made two discoveries.
1) Why is my show better because I waited seven years?
I've completely different motivation. In my first few years I was motivated by what you people think, reviewers, agents. If I had a good gig I'd bounce off stage, grab a pint and dream of being on ‘Live at the Apollo’. Now I don’t care. Don’t get me wrong I care about being as funny as I can be, I've put this Edinburgh show and its financial and time consuming drain above that of my own wedding, but sitting reading/writing this I realise the excitement of Edinburgh is now overshadowed by being away from my fiancée (and hamster). My motivation is now me. I expect to have good shows and no longer bounce off stage and dream of the Apollo, I'll phone my fiancée and ask how her day has been. I think the show is better because of this.
2) I also realised that my maths is shit and this is actually my eighth year but I can’t be bothered to do a third draft.